So, I’m going to tell a tale. I could tell you this happened to a friend of mine, but we all know it was me, so I’ll just get on with it…
Gentlemen, from time to time, ladies will employ little wardrobe tricks cleverly concealed underneath our clothes. Double-sided tape to keep our bra straps in place or a strategically placed safety pin…because wardrobe malfunctions are rarely beneficial outside of a Super Bowl performance. And speaking of pasties, I happen to own a pair of far more understated ones. For when I want to wear a billowy blouse to work that ties behind the neck. Because pasties have expanded far beyond strippers and Vegas showgirls to serve a far more utilitarian purpose for all types of women…and because in very few professions outside of the two aforementioned ones are the unintended appearance of nipples an appropriate thing, including mine. I happen to have a pair of silicone ones that attach to me purely through the mechanism of my own body heat making them sticky, so there has always been an awareness on my part that this is not a foolproof setup. Which was recently proven correct when I returned home from school one evening and removed my lovely chemisier to discover that, yep, I’m only wearing one. Panic descends. For I have only noticed this now. Lord knows when this happened!
I start going through the events of the day. Naturally, I had a million places to go that day at locations that couldn’t be more distal from one another. And I bounced and flounced my way to each of these, blissfully unaware that I was dropping ill-supported undergarments like so many bread crumbs. Of course I had class that day, so it is entirely likely that this event was seen by a fellow student who I will have to see for the remainder of my career there. Ha, or perhaps even a professor. Awesomeness! And of course I work in a lab, nay, A FLOOR populated almost entirely by men. I fully expect to find it stuck conspicuously to the lab floor on Monday morning. Well, I won’t find it, but it’ll be found and no doubt correctly assigned to the only one within a 100-yard radius with breasts. Oh, and did I mention that of course, OF COURSE, this all went down on the day that I had scheduled a meeting with the department chair. Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Funny, right?! The best part, I think, is how this happened on a Friday, so I get to ruminate on this ALLLLL weekend.
At this point, you may find yourself thinking, “But, Lisa, if this was so mortifying for you, why am I reading about it on the internet?”. Well, I suppose I’ve decided at this point to simply own it. These things happen, folks! In fact, ladies have also been known to menstruate, grow hair under their arms, fart, and drool when they sleep; in all likelihood, I’ve done all of these at once. Let’s all just try and behave like grown ups. And men, if ever your (let’s see, what’s the equivalent here?), er, athletic cup (??) jiggles loose during an afternoon stroll, I promise to pretend I didn’t see a thing.